Mastering Your Sexual Response

Mastering Your Sexual Response

This is a simple guide to helping you have the best and safest sex imaginable.

Are you getting enough of the sex you want? And are you enjoying the sex you are having to the fullest?

First, let's talk about how arousal works for us.

The 4 Main Stages of Arousal

Stage 1: Tumescence

• Process of engorgement of vulva tissues like the outer and inner labia, and clitoris

• Breathing accelerates

• Blood pressure rises

• Flood of neurochemicals make you hornier

• Nitric oxide increases blood flow to genitals

• Vaginal lubrication is triggered

• Vaginal canal elongates

• Breasts also swell and nipples harden

• Bartholin's glands around the vaginal opening secrete a lubricative substance

Stage 2: Orgasmic Plateau

• Heart, breathing, blood pressure continue to rise

• Your face and your labia become more flushed

• Vaginal opening narrows but vagina expands

• Dopamine and epinephrine rise

• Clitoris retracts under clitoral hood

• Muscles tighten

• Nitric oxide and oxytocin increase

• Allows for flush of cortisol

• Maximize health benefits by delaying orgasm in this phase

• Stay here for 15-20 minutes before climax

Stage 3: Climax

• Only lasts seconds

• Oxytocin, serotonin, DHEA peaks

• Intense pleasure

• Cortisol is blocked from being released

• Muscles spasm, including vaginal wall contractions

• Sometimes includes ejaculation (squirting)

Stage 4: Refractory Period

• Heartbeat, blood flow, breathing return to normal

• Sex organs stop being engorged

• Muscles relax

• Good time for aftercare, cuddling, talking, crying or expressing emotion

Aligning Sex With Your Cycle

Now we know that you feel quite different from week to week of your menstrual cycle. This is the normal, natural rhythm of our hormonal clock. Because our hormones are always in flux, this deeply impacts the way we crave sex, enjoy the stages of arousal, and the intensity of orgasms.

Let's go through the phases as we would on a fertility awareness chart.

Phase 1: Menstrual Phase 

• Recharge phase

• Sex can be pleasurable and reduce inflammation or cramps

• Menstrual blood is NOT a lubricant, it is a 'dry' fluid, and you'll need lube

• Some people choose to abstain while they have their heaviest days of bleed, or just because they enjoy the alone time

• Hormones are low and sex drive is generally considered low, but this seems to have much variation from person to person. Follow your intuition

Phase 2: Follicular Phase

• Beginning of the fertile window where estrogen rises raises your interest in sex

• Vagina and vulva becomes more lubricated from production of cervical fluid

• Cervix rises higher in the vaginal canal making deeper penetration more pleasurable

• Good time for sexual novelties, trying new positions, talking about your sexuality with a partner, going on dates, doing something creative

Phase 3: Ovulatory Phase

• Peak of estrogen and testosterone encourages sexual thoughts and activity

• Peak of cervical fluid further lubricates the vagina and vulva

• Cervix is at its highest and softest

• Most exhibitionist, outgoing, extroverted time of the cycle

• Communication skills are increased and you are more alluring

• Rose colored glasses view of the world

Phase 4: Luteal Phase

• Estrogen drops and progesterone rises

• Cervix returns to lower position

• Softer, more sensual sex is indicated as your uterus swells before bleeding

• You can be more honest with yourself about what you need without estrogen clouding your judgement

• Check on the emotional health of your partner

• You may feel more introverted and want to enjoy more comforts of home or alone time

• There's little cervical fluid in this phase, so lubricant will make sex more pleasurable

Different Kinds of Orgasm

Clitoral

• The most common orgasm

• Caused by indirect or direct stimulation of the nerve endings in the clitoris

• The clitoris is not just the external glans, but an entire structure around your vaginal walls and labia

Vaginal

• Orgasm that occurs through stimulation of the vagina, usually through penetration

• Vaginal orgasms occur without direct stimulation of the glans of the clitoris

• Scientists are undecided about the presence of the G-spot, which may just be a part of the nerve ends of the entire clitoral structure

• These orgasms are reportedly less common, but still widely discussed anecdotally

• May involve intense contractions of the vagina

Anal

• This orgasm involves direct stimulation of the nerves around the opening of the anus

• Anal orgasms may feel similar to vaginal orgasm

• Sometimes stimulation of the anus and rectum alone will create pleasure in the vagina and clitoris without direct stimulation

• Stimulates pudendal, perineal, and rectal nerves

• May include orgasm with ejaculation

Ejaculation (Squirting)

• A type of orgasm that results in the ejaculation of a clear to whitish fluid from the urethra

• Derived from glandular tissue below the bladder and surrounding the urethra - essentially homologous to the prostate. It's typically called the Skene's glands

• Composition of fluid is NOT urine, and has many similar components to seminal fluid including prostate specific antigen, prostatic acidic phosphatase, glucose, and others

• May serve an antimicrobial purpose and prevent UTI's

Cervical

• Orgasm that occurs from stimulation of the cervix

• The cervix is triple innervated, including the vagus nerve which bypasses the spinal cord and goes directly to the brain

• I discussed a study that looked at women with complete spinal cord injury who have noted vaginal-cervical perceptual awareness in this post: The Cervix Has Nerves

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but just a jumping off point for all that is possible in terms of you getting the orgasms you deserve, regularly, from yourself or from others!

Questions about sex, sexuality, orgasm? Drop 'em below!